A Delay in Blogging vs. A Surge in Post-Op Recovery

Maylen, 2weeks old and yesterday- same towel...much bigger girl!

Well, it's been another year since I've posted.  Motherhood is tough, time-demanding, awesome. 

Miss May has now blossomed into a three year old blur of noise and blonde curls.  Brilliant.  Inquisitive.  Sassy.  All the things that a three year old girl probably should be.  Most importantly, she's "Mommy's best friend," until Mommy says no, at which point she's quick to point out that she is NOT my best friend anymore!

Three weeks ago, I had knee surgery - I wanted to journal my healing process because I just felt like something big was going to happen in my way of thinking.  I am halfway through my time off work for this to heal and I was right.  I'm humbled by a number of things.  First and foremost, I'm humbled by how helpless I had to become in order for this to heal.  I'm not good at letting others do the work for me - I knew this was going to be hard but I had myself convinced that I would have the surgery and be back on my feet after a few days rest and everything would be fine.  That is not how this went.

My husband turned into Super-Dad.  He kept every Daddy duty he had and took on every Mommy duty too.  Nana and Pop-Pop's house became a luxury resort hotel for Maylen the first four days of my recovery.  I couldn't have done it without them.  While my husband still forges onward as my hero, I am thankfully able to do a lot more around the house - able to feel useful again...I'm thankful for that.

I did journal throughout the recovery so far, but wasn't able to post them due to Blogger technical difficulties -- that being said, I apologize for the lengthy catch-up post!

1/13/2014
A temporary inconvenience for a permanent improvement.
I have survived by first four days of post-op recovery after my open synovectomy to remove a bone tumor caused by PVNS in my right knee.  The first night was the worst with post-anesthesia nausea...the words of wisdom from my Dad when he called between my bouts of dry-heaving were that it's "a temporary inconvenience for a permanent solution."  I suddenly felt like I had no place to complain even once about any of the recovery process.  Dad survived open heart surgery that required them to go back in multiple times to stop bleeding, having arteries cleared in his neck and legs, a cardiac ablation, a pacemaker...he survived one month in the hospital when we weren't sure what the next day was going to bring...he saw them all as temporary inconveniences for permanent solutions that would give him more time with his family, with his grandchildren and great grandchildren, with the people he loves.

This is nothing.  This is a cut open knee.  I could've slipped on the ice and did this myself if I hit the ground just right.  And while I still appreciate the length of the road ahead, I'm also going to try my hardest not to complain. This is a temporary inconvenience that might give me stronger knees to run with my daughter across the yard, to get down on the floor to build puzzles and let her do my hair, to shop longer with the women in the family, to stand longer while making Christmas Cookies, to complain less about the pain I feel each day.  While it's becoming very apparent this will not be as easy as I thought, it's also not going to be nearly as hard as it could be.

1/16/2014
Obstacles for Improvement
One week into my recovery, I'm thoroughly humbled.  I've always been one to get sick or injured, suck it up for a  few days and then be fine. This is definitely not like that.  The incision is healing nicely.  Still sore and bothersome, but healing - no infection, no bleeding, and this point all the steri-strips have fallen off.  My knee is bruised and so is my shin - Lord only knows how brutal the surgery part actually was and I'm fine with not really knowing.  I can't bend my knee very far and I'm still hobbling to walk...the good part of that is I'm pretty sure I could a walk-on role as a zombie in the Walking Dead without even trying...

Over this past week, I've had to stop many times to rethink my logistics.  It's no longer easy to do the basics: get out of a chair, walk across a room, navigate stairs, sit down on the toilet, get in the shower...it all requires a pause to think about how this is going to get done in the least painful way and the way that will not add to the injury.  What I've realized through doing this physical is that it's something that maybe we should all do in other ways too - mentally, emotionally, and even vocally.  Just take that few seconds to ask yourself how you can do this in order to produce the best outcome.  The check your words before you say them, check you thoughts before you let them betray you, check your emotions to make sure they're the most appropriate and the least likely to add injury where it doesn't necessarily need to be.

I saw a Facebook status this week that said "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."  Every physical obstacle I'm coming across probably works in some way to improve my knee - the different navigations I've had to use are cumbersome and may take a little longer, but it also allows for my knee to continue to heal without much setback.  Those few extra seconds makea  difference to my recovery.  I wonder what a few extra seconds could add to other areas of our lives?

1/22/2014
Beautiful Words.
I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Bowen today who confirmed what we initially thought: a benign condition known as PVNS is what caused this issue with my knee.

Benign.

Praise the Lord.  One of the most beautiful words in the English language. Benign.

1/24/2014
51 Degrees
I have started physical therapy, which basically consisted of the initial measurement of things - I can bend my knee about 51 degrees, but all the other joints around it seem to be working alright.  My muscles are mushy from non-use, the swelling has yet to go down around my knee and the incision has yet to fully heal at the bottom end where it pulls each time I bend my knee.  The road I was so sure would be a short trip is going to be a longer journey with a lot of hard work, dedication. 

I'm reminded of another meme I came across somewhere: "We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong.  The amount of work is the same." 

After doing my "homework" and realizing this is going to kick my butt a little, I'm even more determined to beat this thing and get back to health...the road stretches out in the distance, but it's shorter than it was two weeks ago.

1/29/2014
Brave
I'm bending my knee at 90 degrees.  After only five days of PT and my "homework," I'm at a right angle.  I'm walking more than hobbling (there goes my dream job on the cast of Walking Dead) and today in therapy, I rode a stationery bike.  Honestly, when the therapist suggested it I thought she was nuts - surely I can't be ready to swing this knee full circle...she said go as far as you can one way, then back it up and go as far as you can the other way.  Ten minutes.  Go.

First three minutes I went as far as I could one way, then back the other way.  The scar tissue pulled with a  sharp jab but I pushed past it, stretching a bit more each time.  I thought it was rather like getting a tattoo in a strange kind of way - the pain was almost the same type of feeling.  One one particular pull back, I told myself just do it.  Just once.  Go all the way around.  So, I did it.  Swung around once, twice, three times - I was doing it. Really, really doing it.

Reverse - cycle it through the other way.  Determined, I stared down at my purple chucks and swung in the opposite direction - once, twice, three times.  No reason to stop now except that the pain was edging up a bit more around that scar tissue at the end of the incision.  Maybe I should just go back to the other way I was doing it.

Then it happened - Brave by Sara Bereilles came on the radio.  This was the song the staff at Geisinger danced to for the Pink Glove Dance to celebrate cancer survivorship.  This song has become one of my personal favorites, especially since Maylen calls it "Mommy's song" and loves to listen to it on repeat for at least five or six replays.  All of a sudden, I thought to myself - what am I saying? Go back to the way you were doing it? There's no going back.  The road moves forward.  And this? This is a knee.  If I was thinking about going backwards I had to squint to see a bit further into the past than a minute ago - I carried a cancerous cyst alongside a child - a child who was born healthy in spite of it, a child that my body nurtured, created...and then that cyst was removed and the cancer with it and since then it hasn't returned and that child still grows, still amazes me.  Quit looking that way...cuz we're not going backwards.  This is just a knee.  Yet again, I was reminded - this is nothing.

I wanna see you be brave.

Six minutes, full circle on the bike.  The timer went off and my heart poured open with a feeling of pride and perseverance I haven't felt in a long time. 

The road shortens again.

Alright - Break's Over!

Well, it's 2013.  I haven't posted on this blog for a year and a half.  That little girl in the pink bug has skyrocketed into a beautiful curly haired 2 year old and it happened so fast it feels like just yesterday I was blogging about her first teeth - and now she's got (as of last week) a whole mouth full of them.  There are no more bottles, no more binks, no more bugs in the middle of the living room.  Instead, there are sippee cups, the occasional "get that out of your mouth!" exclamations, and an entire half of the living room covered with dolls, play kitchen stuff, coloring books, little people toys, books and everything imaginable with Elmo on it.   Since my last entry we've moved to a bigger house (out of basic necessity - it's amazing how much room a child takes up in a house being she's the smallest person in it) and I've gone back to work full time.  She's started daycare, and can count to twelve already, and knows all her colors and maybe, just maybe, knows how to read "Ho Ho Ho."  Christmas was amazing - she didn't like Santa after meeting him, but she really liked him after she saw all those toys under the tree.  It will be fun to see what next year brings when she sees Mr. C. in person again...

Through it all, though, I"m still in amazement at how much I love this little girl and how much life has changed since she came around.  There are no more lazy days, no more spontaneous moments.  Moms are a skilled population - we can carry more at once, do more at once, sleep less than the average person and still function, and somehow become domestic goddesses, doctors, psychologists, teachers, chefs, artists, and chauffeurs all rolled into one person.  That being said, keeping up with anything is nearly ten times harder now than it was before I was a mom, and that's what inspired me to pick up the laptop and go back to the blog...I meant to use this to save my sanity and I didn't stick with it - my sanity has suffered.  I'm learning as I go, and feel the need to share the wealth of the lessons I'm picking up along the way...

Maylen is at Nana's tonight - it's bitter cold here in PA, and since Tuesdays and Thursdays are Nana's days to watch her, she decided a sleepover was best so Maylen can just stay warm and snuggly in bed in the morning instead of being dragged out in the cold.  Good idea for two reasons - first, Nana's reason is a really good one, and second - Mama needs some sleep!  

Toothins!

Well, maybe the sleepless nights have been figured out - Maylen cut a tooth through her gums today!  She's had two of them just under the surface for about a month or more, and this morning, one popped through!  I fugure the other one isn't too far behind, so we might have a few more sleepless nights, but maybe then we can work back into a routine.  I can't believe how fast she's growing!  I'm okay to spend a few restless nights to get some teeth! :)

Sleepy Girl? I think not...

Okay, here's my first Mommy dilemma as a blogger - Maylen, who until now has pretty much gone to bed at 9:30ish and slept till 6ish has decided she doesn't want to sleep well anymore.  Here it is, 11:30, and she's back in the bug playing after screaming her head off up in the crib.  No matter of rocking, consoling, walking, snuggling, etc. was working to put this child to sleep - no, wait, I take that back. She would nod off if I was holding her, but as soon as i put her down...blammo.  Wide awake and yelling. 

Now, she did get away with this during the constipation episode, which i'm happy to say is over...she's back to her usual five poops a day.  We figured that the belly pains were keeping her up, so she got a little extra attention which probably only kicked us in the rear.  But hey, she's so cute and lovable, and what mom wants to see her baby girl with a bellyache?

The other problem - lately, I cannot leave a room she's in.  If i walk out to the kitchen, she howls, and i mean howls like you'd think someone was murdering her.  As soon as i appear in the doorway, she stops.  Like a switch.  So i'm off to research what to do about these two newly developed problems...

When i said i would blog to save my sanity, this is exactly the situations I was thinking about! 

Introducing...Miss May Bean!

There's a giant pink bug in the middle of my living room with yellow legs and green feet, and sitting in a bouncy seat in the middle of it chewing voraciously on a flower shaped rattle attached to it's head is my chubby-cheeked princess, Maylen.  It's hard to believe seven months have gone by since I first met her.  Easily the seven best months of my life, even though the first couple weeks were a little hairy.  C-sections aren't so nice, really.  If I could have, I certainly would've endured hours of labor and pushing, and part of me even regrets that I didn't get the chance for all that.  But that's neither here nor there - the end result is the same...the ever-growing, ever-learning little girl I call my Sugar Pie, who at this exact moment is teething, tired and can't poop.  Somehow, though, she's still giggling and smiling in the giant bug, wearing a Feliz Navidad bib in the middle of June.

Becoming a Mom, of course, is the best thing that ever happened to me, but that's not to say it hasn't come with its frustrations.  But the frustrations are part of the learning process, and I'm pretty sure that writing a regular blog of the things I'm learning, the things I'm stressing about, and the things I'm rejoicing in will help my mental state stay at a good spot!  Plus, how fun would it be to share this stuff with other new moms.  I write this like i actually have a readership - maybe I will someday...for now it will probably just be my best friend leaving love notes at the end of each entry.  Tell your friends, will, ya Patti?  :)

Having a girl is incredible.  Ever since it occurred to me that someday I would grow up and be a Mommy, I've said I was having a boy. I only wanted a boy...I would have no idea what to do with a girl.  I was always a tomboy growing up, and i'm still a really bad "girl" myself.  I don't wear makeup, doing my hair means I brushed it, and I'm awkward at best in heels and a dress.  I still like to play in the dirt and watch zombie movies much more than going shopping for a new purse or hosting a jewelry party.  During the ultrasound where we found out what we were having, I swear Maylen knew what she was there for that day.  As soon as the ultrasound device hit my arching belly the technician said "it's a girl...she's showing me everything she's got!"  Maylen was in there, legs wide open yelling "hey! I'm not a boy!!  I'm a girl!! Hey!!!"  The tell tale three little lines in a row (which the technician explained would be a line and two circles if she was a boy...) were unmistakable at every other ultrasound i had.  She was always in there waiting in position to let me know she was still a girl.  But the idea grew on me immediately.  I was going to have a girl...heaven help me!

So the biggest thing I've learned as a new mom is that I have the capability to love another human being in a way I never knew I could love another human being.  It's mind blowing.  I would readily take a bullet for this little girl without thinking twice.   Seven months later, I still weep sometimes looking at her because i'm still amazed that she's here. But i'm trying not to make this blog overly sentimental and sappy, so i'll stop now and get back to the fun side of being a Mom.

So it's now three hours after I wrote the first line of my first entry...I've given Maylen a bottle, fed her dinner, snuck in my own dinner during a very quick nap, talked to Nana about why exactly she is constipated (I don't know the answer to that question!) and changed a diaper with (yay!) a big hard turd in it.  Let's hope that's just the beginning of the relief for my little cupcake, who is now laying on the couch with me giving her bink some kind of hell.   She's such a cutie!